Week 5 and 6

I'm here, I haven't given up! I know my posts haven't been too inspiring lately, obviously that's a reflection of how I feel about myself, but I am working on it. This week I've been trying to focus on my whole self, not just my diet. I've been reading more, coloring (more on that in a minute), reading newish blogs and listening to how I feel.

Reading for school makes me not want to read for leisure. Not necessarily because I am reading a lot or anything, because I don't get tired of reading. I'm one of those, I'll read my book until four in the morning or my eyes can't focus on anything that's not one foot in front of my face (where a book usually resides), whichever comes first. I think assigned reading creates this uninspired feeling inside of me and I don't want to read. I find it really detrimental to my psyche because I love the feeling I get after reading a book, or just diving into one and really putting myself into that universe. Anyway....I started reading again, for pleasure and I think it's a really good thing for me. Right now I am finishing "The World's Strongest Librarian" (a book written by a librarian who works in my organization) and I just started "The Boy Kings of Texas" that I had on hold previously but never got around to it. I also just grabbed "The Fault in Our Stars".

Also, coloring. I used to think I wanted to be an artist, but after taking some college classes I realized I was really not that great and I haven't really done any art since those college classes crushed me. However, the past few weeks I've been itching to color. Not necessarily draw a picture, but color something. So, I went to Smiths, bought some of those neat twistable colored pencils (side note: I love school supplies so much. I could spend an exorbitant amount of money on pens, pencils, crayons and sticky notes) and found a cool doodle coloring book (basically just outlines of doodles to color in). I've been loving it. Who knows, maybe I'll whip out the ol' paint brush soon.

What does this all have to do my diet? I've been feeling sort of defeatist about myself lately. Feeling inadequate because I can't look the way I wish I could, and that the changes I'm trying to make aren't progressing as fast as I wish they would. Feeling horrible because I indulge in a chocolate covered banana (and a few chocolates as well). I've never really attempted a huge change in my habits, or my lifestyle like this before. Yeah, I was skinnier once, but I don't think it was based on any concerted effort (I used to walk up a steep hill to get to work everyday, I didn't have a car, those kinds of things are what I think played the biggest role in that time period). And, I think I am way too disappointed with myself when I slip up. This kind of a change is really hard for me, it's all based on my own efforts, no one else is helping me along the way (as in, I have to make the food for myself, I have to force myself to exercise, etc) and it's tough. What I think I am trying to get at here is, placing all this pressure, or disappointment on myself is not helping me with the changes I want to make. Instead, I think they are extremely detrimental. And, reading books that I am interested in, coloring while watching Community and just finding a little bit of joy, or stress relief in something seemingly simple really helps me not focus on my shortcomings, on the things that I need/want to be better at. I think these activities also help me to make better choices, diet/exercise wise. If I am not constantly thinking about what I'm putting into my mouth it's somehow easier to realize what I need to satiate me, to make me feel full, what I am craving and how to meet that need. I dunno if that makes sense to anyone, but it somehow works in my brain.

So...how have I been the past two weeks? Not bad. No major weight loss, but no gains either, so that's good. My last post was on June 25th, and since then I've lost 1 pound. Yeah, not amazing, but I'm not going to beat myself up for not losing more, right? Just try to be better in the future.

Recently a friend recommended a blog, Can You Stay for Dinner and I think she has some great tips/recipes, she made a huge change in her life and lost 135 pounds. Pretty crazy. Anyway, the past couple of weeks she put her mom on a "diet" (at her mom's request) and has been blogging all of her mom's meals and recipes. They really appeal to me, because as I'm beginning this journey it's hard to commit fully (as the chocolate covered banana (which actually also had caramel) suggests). She does a really good job of pointing out the types of foods her mom likes and creating solutions that she'll enjoy and feel like she's still eating what she likes. I think that's really important. A diet (I'm not sure exactly what word to use here, because diet (I feel) usually suggest a major limit for a period of time, but that's not what's going on here, for this girls mom or for me. Just making that clear) will not stick if you don't enjoy what your eating. If all you do is think about what you are giving up you are probably going to go back there. And, she has some really easy recipes for her mom (again, easing into the change). I used one of her mom's lunches this week and really liked it. It's a "twist" (not really) on a classic turkey sandwich and I liked it a lot.

Doesn't that look great? This pic is from her website because I can never make anything look that appealing. I of course did not have the diet coke (trying to go without any soda, pretty successful so far, for at least the past two weeks). Here is a link directly to the wrap. I altered mine slightly; I didn't use bacon, or the laughing cow cheese. I really enjoyed it. And, I plan on having it a lot in the future. Plus, think of all the variations! 

Here is a picture of my oatmeal, greek yogurt, strawberries and honey breakfast that I mentioned in my last post. I've been eating this for breakfast since I last posted about it pretty regularly. This week I used raspberries instead. It's really easy and so delicious. Here is how I prepare it in case you are wondering. Make your oatmeal as your normally would (1/2 cup). I use skim milk instead of water. Then add in about 1/4 cup of greek yogurt (plain). I just guesstimate on this, which means I probably add in more than a 1/4, I'll estimate a 1/3. Mix it up, add your strawberries and top with some honey (this helps sweeten the oatmeal/yogurt mix. I typically use about 1 1/2 T-ish. I don't measure and I think the recipe that I originally used said 2 T? Anyway, I really like it.

Okay, here is a flex picture for you. Ignore my red face. It's a million degrees, cut me some slack. I know it doesn't look like much progress for lifting 2-3 times a week for about 2 months, but you must understand that I had zero arm muscle. Like, when I would flex nothing would happen. And, while I really need focus on my triceps as I've still got some major jiggle going on there (usually on friday, and I've probably skipped a few fridays) I can definitely see some improvements and I'm pretty happy about that.

 I don't have a lot of meals planned for the week. Probably the oatmeal as I've been going with it cause it's so tasty and yields to so many possibilities. Probably the wraps, cause I liked them a lot. I also bought a bunch of pistachios to have as snacks with apples and almond butter on toast or rice cakes. I will try to report back on dinners for the week. However, I am super poor right now and will most likely have to rely on what my mom buys until Thursday.

If you've made it through this entire post, you are a good friend. This post was more for my own realization and will hopefully remind me when I'm feeling bad about myself how far I've come (arm picture) and how I can really do this, and to not feel so defeated.